To Love or Not to Love

That is a question that many adoptive families struggle with when they receive their referral. It's easy to get swept away by emotions when you first look at the child's picture. This is natural since love is the reason and motivating force behind adopting in the first place. But the truth of the matter is, he's not really yours yet. You still have another 6-12 months left of things to do before he is legally adopted. In that time, some referrals fall through: maybe a distant relative decides to  take him in, or, sadly, he could die during the wait, or the country could shut its doors to international adoption. There are many variables and uncertainties in adoption. Some families try to guard their hearts in case their referral doesn't pan out. They even try to refrain from looking at his picture too often to keep themselves from becoming too emotionally attached. They want to protect themselves from any potential emotional devastation they may feel.

Other families become wholeheartedly invested in this specific child that they are matched with, for better or for worse. I have heard a story of a family who "fell in love" with their child through pictures and the adoption did go through, but it made the transition harder. They realized their "love" was for a fantasy child that they made up in their heads, based on the pictures they gazed at for months. When they brought the real child home, they found out that the real love  was not there yet, but it would have to grow over time. They felt guilty for a while because their real love did not come automatically, like many people assume it will. They are now adopting again and have chosen not to fool themselves with "fantasy love" this time.

I understand the pros and cons of opening your heart to a child who may or may not really be yours sometime in the future. One way we have decided to "hold back" is to refrain from using the name we have chosen for our child. We want to use this name regardless of who it is we end up adopting. If we refer to this baby by that name and it doesn't work out, the name may feel "used" and we may feel funny about calling the next referral by that name.

Besides that, I have chosen to open myself to the risky business of caring about him. I have waited for years to have a child and I really don't want to block myself off from caring about this one. I want to be happy and enjoy the experience. I look at his picture throughout the day, I pray for him, I think about what life will be like if he will be my son, and I have tender loving feelings toward him. I know my feelings for him are nothing compared to what they will be like when I am actually, physically a mother to a child, but they are important feelings nonetheless. Every child deserves to be loved by somebody and if my emotions have to pay the price, so be it. I will choose to love him, even if it is just for a short while.