Today we got to meet our son for the first time...via Skype. The experience was just about as awkward as I had imagined it would be. It was difficult to keep the attention of a very energetic two year old when it was very clear he would rather be off playing instead of watching a couple of faces on a screen. However, after a while the whole thing seemed to click for him and he realized the faces on the screen were actually interacting with him. Roland would blow us a kiss and then we would blow him kisses and he would blow us another kiss. This went on for several minutes and it was very sweet because it was one of the few times we felt he was actually acknowledging us. Later on his caretaker was telling him that we are his mama and papa and Roland even said "mama" and "papa" a couple times. I don't think he knew what he was talking about, but it was heartwarming nonetheless.
For two years we have only seen Roland through still pictures so it was wonderful to experience him as a real- life child, full of energy and personality. He looks very healthy and happy. Several times while we were Skyping, Roland would run off. It was a relief to see that he doesn't have any trouble getting around. His caretaker told us how active he is and jokingly told us we need to be strong to care for him (he said that as he was picking Roland up before he ran off again). Well, that is exactly what we want: a lively toddler to keep us busy. Even though the whole thing was a little awkward, the minute our session ended I started to miss that precious little boy who so enjoyed blowing us kisses.
Last week we mailed out Roland's Christmas presents. It is so sad that he won't be with us for the holidays again this year, but I am glad he is living with a loving, capable foster family who wants to give all 12 of their "stuck" kids as nice of a family Christmas as possible.
Saturday, November 22, 2014
Sunday, November 2, 2014
Today our son turns two years old. (Just for perspective, he was just 5 months old when we became his legal parents). Another birthday missed and the start of another holiday season with an incomplete family. A couple of nights ago I had a dream about Roland. It was a pleasant one, not like the usual dreams where there are endless things keeping us apart. We were playing and snuggling on the bed and Roland was smiling and we were gazing into each other's eyes and everything was right. Just as all good dreams end too soon, this one was sucked away from me by waking and I was forced to face the world and all it's bitter realities feeling hollow. It is so painful to yearn to hold your child and not be able to. I am still praying for the day that the depressingly quiet, empty void in our home and hearts will be filled with a full- of- life toddler named Roland and that he will finally be able to experience all the love his mom and dad have for him. Happy Birthday, sweet little Roland. Your parents love you and miss you every day.