Be Careful What You Pray For

I just finished reading Kisses from Katie and I am so glad I finally got around to it. I'm sure many of my blog readers have already read this book. If you haven't, it is about an 18- year- old girl from Tennessee who quits her normal American teenage life and moves to Uganda. Over the next few years she teaches at a school, serves the poorest of the poor of the area, starts a ministry that educates and feeds the community's children, and legally adopts 13 orphans. Reading this book stirred up a lot of thoughts and emotions in me. Of course her story is truly inspiring, but as I became immersed in the pages, I also felt guilt, jealousy, and even a little anger with God.

I have been pretty depressed lately. What was making me even more sad than the anguish of being separated from my son was the feeling that God wasn't working in my life. There are many areas that I know I am not called to serve, as I am not a college graduate, I am not musically inclined, I am not a leader or public speaker and I don't have any obvious special skills. So, for a long time I have felt that the best use of my life is to be a mother, specifically to children who do not have a family. It just seems like the perfect fit, but for some unknown reason it has not worked out yet. I've begged and pleaded with God to bring Roland and other future children to me so that I can be their mom and so I could start serving Him. Even though I believe adopting Roland aligns with God's will, I also believe he asks us to serve Him in the here and now, not in some undetermined time in the future. In my desperation I have talked to Matt about pretty impossible options: moving to Congo to care for Roland until he is allowed to leave the country, or starting another adoption while we wait for this one to finish. I have been very conflicted about not yet being able to do what I feel I was made to do for God. I just did not understand why God was not helping the adoption situation, since I thought it was His plan for my life. Why was He not using my life for amazing things, like He was for Katie and other people?

I have been wrestling with these thoughts for a while, but reading Kisses from Katie really emphasized them. One Saturday night I felt especially moved after reading the book and I prayed with more openness and surrender than I think I ever have before. I did not ask for Roland to come home soon, like my usual prayers. Instead, I asked God to take my life and use it. I told Him I was available and willing to serve him now. I asked Him to work through my life in a way that would glorify Him. I told God that this was the only thing that really mattered to me anymore and I would do whatever he asked of me.

The next morning I felt led to read the Book of  Jonah while I ate breakfast. I sleepily thought to myself, "That is a really weird story," but the main theme was not lost on me- When God clearly asks you to do something, you should do it! When I arrived at church I was fairly amazed that our guest speakers were the local directors of Royal Family Kids Camp. I had never heard of this organization before, but I felt instantly connected to it. I had tears in my eyes the entire time as they talked about how the goal of the camp is to provide a week of safe, carefree fun to children in foster care, and teach them about God's enduring love. I knew this must be an actual answer to my prayer so right after the service I wiped away my tears and told one of the directors I would like to volunteer and he handed me an application.

When I got home I was excited to share the news of this opportunity with Matt, who had just woken up (he works nights). I just briefly told him about the camp and how I was thinking of being a counselor ("big camper") and his first response was, "Can I help too?". {Love that guy!}

To tell the truth, by the following day the "high" of God answering my prayer mostly faded away and my humanness crept in. My concerns were based on: self- doubt (I don't know what to say to these hurting, troubled children. What if something comes up and I don't know how to handle it?  What if my campers don't like me and they don't have any fun during camp?), reluctance to leave my comfort zone (The camp schedule looks really busy and I doubt I will get much sleep; I will just be really tired the whole week), and practicalities (We can't afford to pay the camp fees or to board our dogs for a week).

Fortunately, I have a husband with a servant's heart as well as the confidence to follow through with things. It is a lot harder to talk myself out of going to camp when Matt is already committed to going. A few days later, we watched the movie CAMP, which is specifically about Royal Family Kids Camp. It follows the story of pretty much the worst counselor ever during his week at camp. The movie boosted my confidence a little because I figure I will at least be better than that guy. I have a couple other thoughts I keep reminding myself whenever doubt starts creeping in. First, I prayed for an opportunity like this and God provided it to me and I feel like He is leading me to do it. I better follow through with it if I don't want to end up like Jonah! Also, if 18- year- old Katie can leave her life behind and completely move to Uganda to serve God and some of His neediest people, then I should be able to handle working at a summer camp for a week, located 30 minutes from my  house.

For a while I have felt that the puzzle pieces of my life are floating around aimlessly in the air, not fitting together how I had planned. I do not know if this camp will just be something to be involved in while we wait for Roland to come home or if it will be the start to a new path in our lives. Either way, I definitely feel it is a step in the right direction. I am very interested to see how God will use this one week in the grand tapestry of our lives. I pray that God will continue to lead, guide and use us according to His will (and that maybe I will be able to get at least a little sleep at camp).

If you are ever in the mood for some inspiring entertainment, I highly recommend reading Kisses from Katie and watching CAMP (available on Netflix). Be warned, though, they may move you to do something!

 

The trailer for CAMP

The Wait

We are now in the longest waiting period of our whole adoption. In every other stage there was always something going on. We did the home study and the dossier paperwork, we had no wait time for a referral and our court process breezed by, our I600 paperwork is all completed and approved, and throughout all of that we have applied for grants, done fundraising and written thank you letters. Now, for the first time, there is nothing to work on and absolutely no progress is being made. We are just waiting on the Embassy to decide to go to Roland's birth city to complete another batch of investigations.

This period of time is a struggle for me. I handled the last 15 months fine because we were busy working toward something. Now everything is stagnant and we haven't even received any updates on Roland since May. I don't even know how many times I have heard "It's all in God's perfect timing." I've been struggling with this in my head a lot lately. It sounds nice, but is God specifically causing us to wait these extra several months for some mysterious reason? I do not claim to understand all the workings and motives of God, but it seems unlikely to me that God will choose to keep an orphan away from his loving, waiting family until some magical, predetermined moment in time. Since the Bible commands us to care for orphans, I tend to believe that if God chooses to interfere at all, He will be helping the adoption progress, not halt it at the end. I think the bumps in the adoption process are just a part of life. It is the result of people using their free will to make various choices. Sure, God has the power to slow down our adoption if He wants, but it seems more likely it is the inefficiency of governments and individual people that is causing us to be separated from our son.

I also hear frequently that "God is teaching me patience so that I can be a better mother." I do not mean to sound smug, but this is offensive on several different levels. First of all, I have been waiting for a child for seven years; whatever lessons I am meant to learn, I think I would have learned them already. Waiting several extra months at this point is not going to turn me into SuperMom. That brings me to my next point- Why do people think I am naturally so unfit to be a mother that I need years of refining while other women have children with no effort at all? I do believe that it is God's plan for us to adopt, and yes, I have grown over the past years, gradually becoming a better person and Christian. But, please do not tell me that this delay in our adoption process is a little last- minute lesson in patience. I already have a graduate degree in it.

I know people mean well and they just don't know what to say so they try to make delays sound optimistic and meaningful. This does not make us feel better- it makes us feel insulted and sad (even if what you are saying actually is true). Please, just genuinely sympathize with us. Say you are sorry to hear things aren't moving forward and how hard it must be on us. Say you are praying for Roland, for our adoption, and for us. These are the things that are an encouragement and a comfort to us while we wait.

Keeping Perspective

Living in America, we are blessed with such an abundance of everything: food, health care, opportunities, safety, freedom. I do believe these are blessings, but they can also be a bit of a curse to us. We are completely surrounded by American luxuries, making us constantly compare our standard of living to other Americans. Who we should really be comparing our standard of living to is everybody else. Ever since we started this adoption, I have read A LOT about the living conditions of so many people living in developing countries. I read about it, I cry, I pray, and then the next day I'm jealous about something I don't have. Even when I KNOW I have so much, I still frequently fall into the American thinking of "keeping up with the Jones'". I have listed my honest thoughts that I frequently have, coming from a typical American perspective. Below each one I have written the thoughts I should be having, based on a global humanity perspective. For some reason these more "global" thoughts do not come naturally so I am making a more determined effort to be continually grateful for all God has given me in this life.

 American thought: Matt's job is so hard on him/ us. He should get paid more for all the work he does.
Global thought: Matt has a full- time job that he can feel good about. His employer pays his salary on a regular basis and he also receives vacation time, medical and life insurance, and a retirement account. We will never be rich according to American standards, but we really are quite wealthy. Even compared to many Americans, we aren't doing so bad. If you make $25,000 a year, you are among the top 10% of the world's wealthiest people.

American thought: I wish we had a newer car that was big enough to fit our baby and the two dogs at the same time.
Global thought: We own a car that has heat and air conditioning and it safely transports us to the places we need to go. Less than 10% of the world's population can afford to own their own car.

American thought: I wish I lived in a slightly bigger house with more modern amenities.
Global thought: We live in a comfortable house in a safe neighborhood. We have clean running temperature- controlled water, a reliable heat source, a kitchen full of appliances and a bed and couches so we can rest comfortably off of the floor. If you sleep in a house every night that keeps you safe from the elements, have clothes to wear and keep your food fresh in a refrigerator,  you are living better than 75% of the world.

American thought: I wish I could afford organic and other specialty food. I wish we could go out to eat more often.
Global thought: I have always been able to afford nutritious food to sustain ourselves.
 There are 925 million people who suffer from hunger on a daily basis.

American thought: I wish we could afford to travel more and do more expensive types of recreation besides walking in the woods.
Global thought: We have enough leisure time and health to even think about recreation. We live in a beautiful area that we can safely explore in day trips from our house. We have enough money to fill our car with gas and we don't have to worry about being attacked while driving around the countryside or taking a walk.

American thought: I wish we could afford to buy more expensive dog food. I wish our dogs had a big fenced- in yard to run and play in.
Global thought: We are wealthy enough to own pets just for the novelty of them. Our dogs do not live on the street, they are not abused, and they are not used for scientific testing. Our dogs are better fed and better cared for than many children in the world. They have never suffered from a lack of food or love.

American thought: I don't feel like waking up so early to go to church. I feel like doing something more fun than reading one of the several Bibles we have in our house. I wish I had a nice, new Bible in a different translation.
Global thought: As an American protestant, I have always had a multitude of choices of which church to attend. I have never received any negative comments about being a Christian. I have never felt hesitant about telling people I go to church (even when I was a teenager) as I have always felt it is a normal, acceptable thing to do in America. I have always had ample access to the Word of God and people to explain and discuss it with me. So many people live in fear every day because of religious persecution. Even worse, many people will never hear about Jesus because Christianity is not accepted in their country.


Even though this song is on the radio about a thousand times a day, I still love it. I probably need that many reminders anyway to maintain a grateful heart.

Preparations

Speculations from our agency seem to shift with the wind. Our latest news from them is that we do not have much of a chance of bringing our son home this summer. They gave us an opportunity to make an extra trip to Congo to file some paperwork, without any guarantee that it would make any difference in our timeframe. We decided not to take the potentially worthless extra "quick trip" to Congo. Right now we really have no idea when we will travel to Congo to bring our son home. One thing I have learned from this adoption is that making mental timelines is a complete waste of time. Just about every month or two the process of adopting from Congo changes so who knows what things will be like a few months from now.

We went into full- on preparation mode when we thought we might travel this summer. We are continuing on with the preparations, just less frantically now. The next time we hear there is a chance of picking up our baby, we will not be caught unprepared.

We urged our family to start buying us things off of our baby registry (by the way, thank you so much for all the gifts- we truly appreciate them!). It's been fun receiving all these boxes from amazon and opening them up to see what presents we got that day. We attempted to set up some of the nursery furniture, but only accomplished the changing table. While we were putting the crib together, a piece of the wood cracked so we decided to send the whole thing back. We are now trying to pick out a crib substantial enough to at least withstand us assembling it.

 

Large boxes waiting in our kitchen to be dragged upstairs

The end of our empty nursery- YAY!

The boxes made it upstairs

Copper checking everything out
 

We also had a visit with our family doctor. He prescribed us anti- malaria pills and we were able to talk at length with him about travelling overseas and baby care. We also made a general game plan for when we bring our son home. For some reason our doctor could not give us our vaccinations so we had to make an appointment with the state's health department. We received shots for Yellow Fever and Hepatitis A and pills for Typhoid. The nurse didn't tell us which arm got which shot, but one of the vaccinations has left my arm very sore- so sore that it's hard to move it, I can't sleep on that side, I can't let anything bump into it, and sometimes the pain spreads to my neck and back. I guess that's the price I have to pay to travel to beautiful Congo (ha ha). The typhoid pills are very finicky little things. They have to be kept refrigerated and we take them once a day, every other day for a week. We have to take them one hour before eating and at least two hours after eating so I"m still trying to figure out when I'm going to fit these into my day (I'm a grazer).

I am grateful for the vaccinations, but it is also unsettling to think us Americans have to load our bodies up with shots and pills just to "survive" a two week trip to a place millions of people call home. Sometimes I catch myself thinking "Oh my goodness, I"m going to Congo. I'm going to be so uncomfortable!".  But the truth of the matter is we will be staying at a hotel with running hot water and air conditioning and we will be drinking clean bottled water and the best quality food available. If we have a medical problem, we will call up our private driver and we will be treated at the hospital. If we have safety issues, the embassy will look after us. Our stay there will be nothing like the lives of the people who live in Congo day in and day out in shacks or on the street, without access to clean water, food and medical care. For some reason it is unacceptable for white/ American travellers to run into problems overseas, but it is alright for the people living there to live and die in pitiful conditions. It seems as if there is a higher value placed on our lives than theirs. As I said before, I am grateful for our safety precautions as I do like to be comfortable, but the discrepancy between our standard of living while staying in Congo and the living conditions of millions of the Congolese will make me uncomfortable.  And that is the end of my human rights rant for now.

To Love or Not to Love

That is a question that many adoptive families struggle with when they receive their referral. It's easy to get swept away by emotions when you first look at the child's picture. This is natural since love is the reason and motivating force behind adopting in the first place. But the truth of the matter is, he's not really yours yet. You still have another 6-12 months left of things to do before he is legally adopted. In that time, some referrals fall through: maybe a distant relative decides to  take him in, or, sadly, he could die during the wait, or the country could shut its doors to international adoption. There are many variables and uncertainties in adoption. Some families try to guard their hearts in case their referral doesn't pan out. They even try to refrain from looking at his picture too often to keep themselves from becoming too emotionally attached. They want to protect themselves from any potential emotional devastation they may feel.

Other families become wholeheartedly invested in this specific child that they are matched with, for better or for worse. I have heard a story of a family who "fell in love" with their child through pictures and the adoption did go through, but it made the transition harder. They realized their "love" was for a fantasy child that they made up in their heads, based on the pictures they gazed at for months. When they brought the real child home, they found out that the real love  was not there yet, but it would have to grow over time. They felt guilty for a while because their real love did not come automatically, like many people assume it will. They are now adopting again and have chosen not to fool themselves with "fantasy love" this time.

I understand the pros and cons of opening your heart to a child who may or may not really be yours sometime in the future. One way we have decided to "hold back" is to refrain from using the name we have chosen for our child. We want to use this name regardless of who it is we end up adopting. If we refer to this baby by that name and it doesn't work out, the name may feel "used" and we may feel funny about calling the next referral by that name.

Besides that, I have chosen to open myself to the risky business of caring about him. I have waited for years to have a child and I really don't want to block myself off from caring about this one. I want to be happy and enjoy the experience. I look at his picture throughout the day, I pray for him, I think about what life will be like if he will be my son, and I have tender loving feelings toward him. I know my feelings for him are nothing compared to what they will be like when I am actually, physically a mother to a child, but they are important feelings nonetheless. Every child deserves to be loved by somebody and if my emotions have to pay the price, so be it. I will choose to love him, even if it is just for a short while.

To Honor Martin Luther King, Jr. Day

This holiday has more meaning to me this year since my son will be African- American. The way people view him and the way he views the world will be different from my experiences. This will be for many reasons (gender, early childhood spent in orphanage rather than a family, growing up in a tiny town in Idaho rather than the suburbs of Miami, etc.), with his ethnicity probably not being the least of these. I have listed some quotes by Martin Luther King, Jr. that I found inspiring and thought- provoking and I hope they are for you also.


"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."


"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy."


"He who passively accepts evil is as much involved in it as he who helps to perpetrate it. He who accepts evil without protesting against it is really cooperating with it."

 

On Jealousy

I am blessed that I don't have a natural tendency to succumb to deceitfulness, vulgarity, addiction (except maybe chocolate), boastfulness or greed. Unfortunately, though, jealousy gets me every time. (Yes, I have other faults, but I'm only focusing on one for now.) Jealousy has to be one of the hardest things to overcome. It is such an automatic response. I hear something good happen to someone else, I think I deserve for it to happen to me and then I fall into a spiral of self- pity and bitterness. I'm sure jealousy is a common stumbling point for most people, but for some reason nobody wants to admit to it. I guess our pride keeps us from acknowledging our jealousy.

I think that women who want children and do not have any experience the most poignant kind of jealousy. Being a mother is such a natural and deep desire for most women, making it extremely difficult to find the joy when you watch other women have as many babies as they want. I can honestly say that I have, for the most part, dealt with my sadness over not being able to choose when and how many children I will have. (I never had much of an issue over missing out on the pregnancy experience and not having biological children- it's just that adoption is so time consuming and expensive that it will limit our family size.) I believe that the reason that I have fertility issues is so that I can adopt. Honestly, I probably would not have considered adoption if I could have had as many biological children as I wanted. I could have pursued more intensive fertility treatments, but it didn't feel right to spend that much time and money to try to make my body become pregnant while there are millions of orphans just waiting for parents. It has been a process, but I am very happy to build my family through adoption. I feel that this is my purpose and my privilege. I very rarely now feel jealous when I hear of another person becoming pregnant. And if I do, the sadness doesn't last long because I know I that I am doing something special. When our adoption is complete, I will not only be a mother, but I will be providing a home, family, and future to a child who would otherwise not have one. How amazing is that?

However, it turns out that my jealousy issues are not all over. I have been following a blog about a family who adopted a little girl from the DRC only 8 months ago.  They had a perfectly smooth and quick adoption process. So far their daughter has no major attachment or medical issues. Now they recently announced they are already far along the process of adopting a little boy. Was my initial reaction happiness for them? No. Was I happy that another orphan is being brought into a loving home? I am ashamed to say No, that was not my first thought. My first thoughts were: 1)they are getting a second child and we don't even have one yet and 2) their referral for that little boy could have been ours (which probably isn't even true).  I guess my jealousy has just transferred from pregnant women to people who have multiple, seemingly smooth adoptions. (sigh) At least I caught myself early on and was able to avoid making a trip down self- pity lane. While I may not have joy in my heart for them just yet, I at least don't have bitterness. I suppose I am a work in progress.