On Jealousy

I am blessed that I don't have a natural tendency to succumb to deceitfulness, vulgarity, addiction (except maybe chocolate), boastfulness or greed. Unfortunately, though, jealousy gets me every time. (Yes, I have other faults, but I'm only focusing on one for now.) Jealousy has to be one of the hardest things to overcome. It is such an automatic response. I hear something good happen to someone else, I think I deserve for it to happen to me and then I fall into a spiral of self- pity and bitterness. I'm sure jealousy is a common stumbling point for most people, but for some reason nobody wants to admit to it. I guess our pride keeps us from acknowledging our jealousy.

I think that women who want children and do not have any experience the most poignant kind of jealousy. Being a mother is such a natural and deep desire for most women, making it extremely difficult to find the joy when you watch other women have as many babies as they want. I can honestly say that I have, for the most part, dealt with my sadness over not being able to choose when and how many children I will have. (I never had much of an issue over missing out on the pregnancy experience and not having biological children- it's just that adoption is so time consuming and expensive that it will limit our family size.) I believe that the reason that I have fertility issues is so that I can adopt. Honestly, I probably would not have considered adoption if I could have had as many biological children as I wanted. I could have pursued more intensive fertility treatments, but it didn't feel right to spend that much time and money to try to make my body become pregnant while there are millions of orphans just waiting for parents. It has been a process, but I am very happy to build my family through adoption. I feel that this is my purpose and my privilege. I very rarely now feel jealous when I hear of another person becoming pregnant. And if I do, the sadness doesn't last long because I know I that I am doing something special. When our adoption is complete, I will not only be a mother, but I will be providing a home, family, and future to a child who would otherwise not have one. How amazing is that?

However, it turns out that my jealousy issues are not all over. I have been following a blog about a family who adopted a little girl from the DRC only 8 months ago.  They had a perfectly smooth and quick adoption process. So far their daughter has no major attachment or medical issues. Now they recently announced they are already far along the process of adopting a little boy. Was my initial reaction happiness for them? No. Was I happy that another orphan is being brought into a loving home? I am ashamed to say No, that was not my first thought. My first thoughts were: 1)they are getting a second child and we don't even have one yet and 2) their referral for that little boy could have been ours (which probably isn't even true).  I guess my jealousy has just transferred from pregnant women to people who have multiple, seemingly smooth adoptions. (sigh) At least I caught myself early on and was able to avoid making a trip down self- pity lane. While I may not have joy in my heart for them just yet, I at least don't have bitterness. I suppose I am a work in progress.