Six weeks. I feel we are over the initial transition hump. We feel like a family and there is a sense of normalcy to our days. There is calmness and joy in our home now, which did not exist the first few weeks of Roland being home. I know it sounds bad to say, but I have always tried to honestly describe our experiences on this blog. I don't want to present a rosy, sugar- coated picture of our lives. So, if I am being honest, I didn't really enjoy the first three weeks of Roland being home. I cared about Roland's well- being of course, but inside I didn't feel the warm, fuzzy, loving feelings I was expecting. With being sick, tired, and stressed about Matt's upcoming knee surgery, all I could really muster was taking care of what needed to get done throughout the day, and then "fake the love" part. Now that the worst of Matt's recovery is behind us and Roland is behaving and sleeping better, I can finally take a deep breath, relax a little, and just enjoy Roland. The loving feelings are here now, they just took a little longer to catch up.
Of course, our new sense of normalcy is only temporary. Once Matt's recovery is done in a few months, we will be moving and Matt will be going back to work. We will all have to adjust to a new home, to a new town, and to Matt not being home all day with us. We have been spoiled with having two stay- at- home parents since Roland's arrival. After all we have been through just to become a family and the life- jarring knee injury Matt received two years ago and the subsequent five surgeries, these upcoming changes are small beans. I am just excited to see what the future holds for us.
The doctor visits (for both Matt and Roland) are finally beginning to slow down. Poor Roland's first month in America and our family was filled with poking, prodding, and boredom in waiting rooms. He has endured three blood draws, four immunization shots, an echocardiogram, and to his mommy collecting his poop and pee. Thankfully he tested negative for all the big, bad diseases. He has a heart murmur, but it is benign and nothing to worry about. He also has an iron deficiency, which after much testing, seems just to be caused by his diet in Congo. He is on iron supplements now, but hopefully that will just be temporary. The biggest issue is with Roland's poop. He has had diarrhea since coming home and it turns out his little body is the host to three different parasites. For the past 10 days, we have crushed up medicine and "hid" it in yogurt or applesauce and force- fed it to Roland three times a day. It was an awful ordeal. The poor kid will probably never eat yogurt again. The worst part is that his poop is still softer and wetter than it should be, so I don't know if the medicine even worked. I would hate to have to start the process over (especially the poop collecting part- that was disgusting!).
In all areas Roland is improving, except for one: potty training. He was completely potty trained when he first came home. After about three weeks, he decided to stop using the toilet to go pee. He now just goes pee in his pull- ups all day long. We know that potty training regression is normal in newly adopted children. It is just annoying because he was doing so well at the beginning. But, I'll take dirty diapers over the tantrums and sleepless nights that we used to have.
Nothing is perfect, and some days are still rough, but we are definitely blessed to call a happy, healthy, affectionate little boy our son. It is still sinking in that this is my life now, after so many years of waiting for a child. I just can't wait for spring to come and Matt's knee to heal so we can really start to have fun with Roland.
Roland has been home for a month and probably the biggest transformation has been his interaction with our dogs. From reading about other people's experiences, we knew that it probably would not go well. We were right. Roland was home with us for only one full day before we brought the dogs home from the kennel. Even though the three of us were getting along well, there probably was not a huge amount of trust yet. I sat on the couch with Roland while Matt brought in the dogs one at a time. Roland pretty much acted like we were planning to feed him to a pack of wolves. I do understand that our dogs are pretty intimidating to a 30- pound child who is not used to having animals inside the home. (Copper, our redbone coonhound, weighs 85 pounds and Yukon, our great pyrenees, is 120 pounds.) Roland just screamed his head off until we put the dogs in another room and then the screaming would start again whenever one of the dogs made eye contact with him. For the first couple of days we had to keep the dogs separate from Roland most of the time. He eventually became somewhat comfortable with looking at them from the other side of a baby gate.
Roland became comfortable around Yukon much quicker than with Copper. Yukon is larger, but he is much more quiet and gentle. Copper, a typical hound dog, likes to bark very loudly whenever he is excited. The soundtrack of our first week home together was barking mixed with equally loud screaming.
At first, Roland would only enjoy Yukon when he had the height advantage. Whenever he was on the floor with Yukon, he would start up with his screaming again. However, Yukon was always so gentle with him and his white fluffy fur is pretty irresistible, so Roland adjusted to him pretty quickly. After about a week, they became best buds and Roland spends a good part of his day rolling around on top of Yukon.
Roland's relationship with Copper has been trickier. All the barking in his face early on must have set a poor mood for their relationship. For most of the past month, Roland would try to set up Copper to get into trouble.Roland would tug on Copper too hard, Copper would give out a loud yelp, and then Roland would come running to us showing us his finger (pretending he had been bit) and pointing at Copper. He played out this charade many times, but to his disappointment, he was the one who got in trouble, not the dog. He would also give Copper a toy block, which Copper would proceed to chew up, and then Roland would come to us yelling, pointing at Copper. For those instances, they both got in trouble. Seriously, for the past month I felt like I was raising three little boys, two of which would bicker and tell on each other throughout the day.
The past several days there haven't been any big instances with Roland and Copper so I am hoping that phase is coming to a close. The house is definitely quieter and more relaxed as "the brothers" are becoming adjusted to each other.
It has been two weeks since Roland came into our family, but it is just now really sinking in that our son, who we have waited for over three and a half years, is finally home. It has always been my plan to continue this blog after he came home, but I simply have not had time to write anything until now. We have basically been in survival mode the past couple weeks, just trying to get through the days with what feels like a 30- pound newborn. Now that Christmas is over and our new family of three has had some time to adjust to each other, life is starting to feel a little more like normal, instead of just trying to survive the day (and night).
Roland was escorted home from the DRC by his foster dad and we met them at the airport in Spokane, Washington. Meeting our son in Spokane was not the exotic trip we had envisioned, but this was the easiest, quickest, and cheapest option for us at the time. Our meeting was way more special than I had ever hoped. I assumed we would be meeting a tired, cranky, and possibly scared 3- year- old boy. However, when Roland came through the gate and saw us, his face lit up and he squealed in delight as he walked over to hug us. We have been Skyping with Roland for the past year and it was obvious that he recognized us and that he was expecting to see us. It was such a special moment for us.
Roland slept the whole three hour drive back home. It made for an easy afternoon, but a horrible night. With all the napping and time changes, he only slept a couple hours at a time and then was wide awake for another couple hours. After that first night of hardly any sleep, both Matt and I came down with colds, making our first week with Roland a bit more miserable than it otherwise could have been. Being sick, exhausted and adjusting to a new 3- year- old who speaks no English was (and still is) tough.
Roland woke up frequently the first week and a half he was home. Every time he woke up we had to go lay down next to him until he fell asleep because he can not fall asleep on his own. We think we have figured out the mystery of his poor sleeping, though (besides just the time zone change). I was keeping his bedroom around 73 degrees, assuming it was plenty warm since I like sleeping at 65 degrees. Well, we have since discovered Roland sleeps best at 80 degrees and he was probably waking up so much just because he was cold. Now with his new tropical climate bedroom he has only been waking up once per night to go to the bathroom.
One positive surprise about Roland was that he is fully potty trained. Unfortunately, though, he enjoys his bathroom time a bit too much. He will ask to go when he is just bored, wants more attention, or when one of us is in the shower. Once he is in the bathroom, it is a challenge to get him to leave. He loves sitting on his little toilet seat, singing and making jokes that nobody understands but him. It can be pretty cute, but most of the time it really tries my patience when I don't know if he is done and is just goofing off. We are trying to teach him potty time is "no- nonsense time" because we are getting really tired of spending so much of our day in the bathroom.
Besides the sleep issues, there also have been a large helping of crying and tantrums every day. Since he is our first child, we really don't know what behavior is normal for a 3- year- old and what might be adoption- related. One of the toughest things has been the fact that he is not a big fan of toys. It seems his favorite thing to do is get into everything he is not supposed to. So there have been many, many "time- ins" every day. He is learning what the house rules are and tests his limits every day.
Roland really has two sides to him. One side is the mischievous, crying, tantrum- having toddler. The other side is the sweetest, happiest little boy you have ever met. It is clear that he was given such loving care while he was in Congo. He really loves receiving and giving physical affection. He just soaks up hugs, kisses, cuddling, being lotioned, and everything else. Even from the very first day, he has been very affectionate toward us.
There is so much to say about Roland, but I should probably stop for the day. It is my plan to keep you all updated on his transition into our family. It has been trying, but we are so happy he is finally home with us and we can't wait to watch him learn and grow and develop into the man he will one day be. We are just loving him the best we can and taking things one day at a time.
Today we got to meet our son for the first time...via Skype. The experience was just about as awkward as I had imagined it would be. It was difficult to keep the attention of a very energetic two year old when it was very clear he would rather be off playing instead of watching a couple of faces on a screen. However, after a while the whole thing seemed to click for him and he realized the faces on the screen were actually interacting with him. Roland would blow us a kiss and then we would blow him kisses and he would blow us another kiss. This went on for several minutes and it was very sweet because it was one of the few times we felt he was actually acknowledging us. Later on his caretaker was telling him that we are his mama and papa and Roland even said "mama" and "papa" a couple times. I don't think he knew what he was talking about, but it was heartwarming nonetheless.
For two years we have only seen Roland through still pictures so it was wonderful to experience him as a real- life child, full of energy and personality. He looks very healthy and happy. Several times while we were Skyping, Roland would run off. It was a relief to see that he doesn't have any trouble getting around. His caretaker told us how active he is and jokingly told us we need to be strong to care for him (he said that as he was picking Roland up before he ran off again). Well, that is exactly what we want: a lively toddler to keep us busy. Even though the whole thing was a little awkward, the minute our session ended I started to miss that precious little boy who so enjoyed blowing us kisses.
Last week we mailed out Roland's Christmas presents. It is so sad that he won't be with us for the holidays again this year, but I am glad he is living with a loving, capable foster family who wants to give all 12 of their "stuck" kids as nice of a family Christmas as possible.
Today our son turns two years old. (Just for perspective, he was just 5 months old when we became his legal parents). Another birthday missed and the start of another holiday season with an incomplete family. A couple of nights ago I had a dream about Roland. It was a pleasant one, not like the usual dreams where there are endless things keeping us apart. We were playing and snuggling on the bed and Roland was smiling and we were gazing into each other's eyes and everything was right. Just as all good dreams end too soon, this one was sucked away from me by waking and I was forced to face the world and all it's bitter realities feeling hollow. It is so painful to yearn to hold your child and not be able to. I am still praying for the day that the depressingly quiet, empty void in our home and hearts will be filled with a full- of- life toddler named Roland and that he will finally be able to experience all the love his mom and dad have for him. Happy Birthday, sweet little Roland. Your parents love you and miss you every day.
It is finally September. A year ago, the estimated year- long adoption delay was unthinkable, but here we are, hopefully in the final stretch. Throughout all of these months, a part of me has been holding my breath, waiting for Congo adoptions to officially close. But, that never happened and that is definitely something to be grateful for. There is still HOPE. I am praying that we hear some real *positive* news this month. Hopefully the Congo Parliament will get busy with the new laws when they get back into session in a couple of weeks. I am hoping and praying from the bottom of my heart that Roland and all the other adopted sons and daughters will finally be able to join their families by the end of the year. Already, a year of their lives has been stolen from us- a year they could have been nurtured and supported and loved and cared for by their families. That is hard to reconcile. I know that Roland coming home will not be a magical cure- all pill. All three of us will have pain, disappointment and grief that we will need to process. It will take time, but the first step is for all of us to be together. So, for right now I choose to put my mental energies into believing we are coming to the end of this heart- wrenching journey. Forgiveness for the injustices bestowed on my son will come later, after he is safe at home with us.
I have been pretty quiet on my blog lately, but we are still here, praying through every day that we will be allowed to bring our son home. We have been in this adoption process now for 2 years and 4 months. Roland received his immigrant visa (the final step before applying for an exit permit) 9 months ago (2 months after the suspension began). Roland turns 21 months old today (he was 3 months old when we were first matched with him).
For the last 18 months, Roland has been cared for at our adoption agency- run transition house. However, that is sadly coming to an end. By the beginning of October, our agency will close our transition house because it is just too expensive for them to keep running. The 42 children who have been living in the house will all be moved into foster care. This may save us a little bit of money on the monthly childcare fees, but I am not happy about this situation at all. Honestly, I just do not trust "foster families" in Congo to care for my son. Our agency says they will screen them, but I do not know if anybody holds them accountable after that. Just the culture difference makes it unlikely they would raise our children according to our standards and customs. Not to mention that the families could possibly be dishonest, abusive, neglectful, etc. (just like people are in every part of the world). I feel quite uncomfortable with this situation being forced upon us, but there really isn't any other option beside me moving to Congo to care for Roland myself. I do toy with the idea, some days more seriously than others, but finances will always be the limiting factor. We just keep praying he will be able to come home as soon as possible.
Over the past few months all of the adoptive families with children stuck in Congo have banded together to get our story to the ears of the public and those in power. In April, 171 members of Congress sent a letter to Congo's President Kabila asking for the adoption crisis to be resolved. In May, John Kerry brought up the exit permit suspension during his visit with President Kabila. In June, a few of the children were allowed to come home, but shortly after the door seemed to be slammed shut tighter. At the end of June, 56 families gathered together in Washington, D.C. to meet with nearly 100 members of Congress and to raise more public awareness of the Congo adoption crisis. In July, Jill Biden traveled to the DRC and requested that the ban on exit permits be lifted. A few days later, the House of Representatives passed a Resolution calling on the DRC to end the suspension of exit permits. Following that, 167 members of Congress wrote a letter to President Obama asking him to personally engage with President Kabila to end the suspension.
President Kabila is expected to attend the African Summit in Washington, D.C. in a few days. If you have not already done so, we ask that you sign and share the petition that asks President Obama to bring up the adoption crisis while President Kabila is here. Our cause has gained a lot of momentum the past couple months and we need to keep it going until every last one of these adopted children are safely home.
In my last post I wrote about how we have to wait for Congo to write new adoption laws before we could bring our son home. It was our assumption that was something they were currently working on. However, our newest tidbit of news is that the Congo Parliament will be out of session all summer. They will not even begin writing the new laws until the fall. It is unclear who needs to adhere to these new laws and who gets "grandfathered in", but for some reason we all have to wait for them to get written. Who knows how long it will take them to write and pass the new adoption law and then process the hundreds of adoption cases.
At the end of this month dozens of adoptive families who have children STUCK in Congo will be making a trip to Washington, D.C. to meet with their senators and representatives. It is not possible for us to make the trip, but our prayers will be with them. We don't know what all they may be able to accomplish, but hopefully at least more awareness and support will be raised for our children.
It has been quite the roller coaster of a day. Tidbits of positive news have been trickling in since yesterday, but the U.S. Embassy did not send out their official adoption notice until this evening. The good news is that 62 Congolese orphans get to come home. This is the first time adopted children are being allowed to leave Congo since last fall. The bad news is that the rest of the children are not coming home now. There are hundreds of adopted children in Congo who have parents in the United States waiting for them, but only 15 of those are being allowed out of Congo. [The rest of the 62 children are going home to other countries.]
The remaining hundreds of children and their families now have to wait for Congo to re-write their adoption laws. Nobody knows how long this will take or what will be in them, but we are all required to adhere to whatever they may say (even those of us with finalized adoptions!). No timeframe was presented at all. This is getting really ridiculous. This morning we thought things were starting to move again because a few families were receiving exit permits, but now we realize that is not the case. Congo just wanted to get rid of a few of the oldest adoption cases before continuing to hold the rest of our children hostage while starting the process of writing new laws. I guess we just continue on with no timeframes and no promises while we wait for this never- ending adoption to finally come to an end.
Sadly, there is not much adoption news to report. Officials from the U.S. and Congo are meeting to discuss the future of Congo adoptions. It is a good sign that there is still an ongoing dialogue. However, DGM still claims the exit permit suspension will last at least until September. That means we are halfway through the year- long suspension. What are the chances that the suspension will actually be lifted in September? I really don't know. DGM isn't even specifically holding themselves to that so we don't have any promises to cling to ourselves. Also, when/ if they do lift the suspension, they still do not have any plan how to efficiently process all the adoption cases that have been accumulating all these many months. I really don't know how all this is going to play out.
Based on the information we have, Roland seems to be faring well enough. Most months we receive pictures and an unreadable medical report. We can make out his weight and he is only a couple pounds smaller than a child should be at his age so we don't think that is too bad. In the pictures he looks pretty healthy. He has full cheeks, his arms and legs aren't skinny, he has a cute little round belly and a full head of healthy hair, at least in the front. Unfortunately we don't have any information on things like talking, walking or eating (they may be briefly addressed in the medical reports, but we can't decipher them). In the last pictures we received, when he was 15 months old, he was unsteadily standing with assistance. So, he is a little delayed, but that is to be expected. He hasn't had the luxury of parents doting on him every day of his life. We do get notified when a doctor prescribes medicine for something, like diarrhea or a rash. As far as we know, he has not come down with malaria or anything else serious. That is something to be grateful for, especially since adopted children are not allowed to leave Congo, even for medical emergencies.
In a couple weeks we will reach the two- year mark since we first applied to our adoption agency. Hopefully Roland will be home with us well before the three- year mark approaches.
A year ago, on Matt's 29th birthday, we accepted a referral for a tiny 3- month old baby boy. Over the past year we have watched Roland grow up in pictures. We have seen him sleepy or sad, alert and curious, and happy and smiling, in pictures. The first several months we only received pictures of him laying in his crib. Then, for a few months we saw him sitting upright, either on the floor or in a chair. In the last pictures we received of him, he was standing, with a supporting hand from one of the nannies. In one picture we have even glimpsed new baby teeth emerging.
The three of us have missed out on so much together. We have missed an entire year of gazing into each other's eyes, and reading, snuggling, playing, singing, teaching, comforting, laughing, and building lifelong bonds of love and trust. Young children yearn to be adored by their parents, but I doubt if Roland realizes that such a thing as parents even exists. From what I hear, the nannies at the transition house are capable and kind, but they have 80 children in their care so I know they do not spend all day doting on our little Roland.
Last Fall I was really hoping we would be celebrating Matt's 30th birthday in Congo, meeting our son for the first time. However, it looks like we will have to settle for dinner and a movie again this year.
I just finished reading Kisses from Katie and I am so glad I finally got around to it. I'm sure many of my blog readers have already read this book. If you haven't, it is about an 18- year- old girl from Tennessee who quits her normal American teenage life and moves to Uganda. Over the next few years she teaches at a school, serves the poorest of the poor of the area, starts a ministry that educates and feeds the community's children, and legally adopts 13 orphans. Reading this book stirred up a lot of thoughts and emotions in me. Of course her story is truly inspiring, but as I became immersed in the pages, I also felt guilt, jealousy, and even a little anger with God.
I have been pretty depressed lately. What was making me even more sad than the anguish of being separated from my son was the feeling that God wasn't working in my life. There are many areas that I know I am not called to serve, as I am not a college graduate, I am not musically inclined, I am not a leader or public speaker and I don't have any obvious special skills. So, for a long time I have felt that the best use of my life is to be a mother, specifically to children who do not have a family. It just seems like the perfect fit, but for some unknown reason it has not worked out yet. I've begged and pleaded with God to bring Roland and other future children to me so that I can be their mom and so I could start serving Him. Even though I believe adopting Roland aligns with God's will, I also believe he asks us to serve Him in the here and now, not in some undetermined time in the future. In my desperation I have talked to Matt about pretty impossible options: moving to Congo to care for Roland until he is allowed to leave the country, or starting another adoption while we wait for this one to finish. I have been very conflicted about not yet being able to do what I feel I was made to do for God. I just did not understand why God was not helping the adoption situation, since I thought it was His plan for my life. Why was He not using my life for amazing things, like He was for Katie and other people?
I have been wrestling with these thoughts for a while, but reading Kisses from Katie really emphasized them. One Saturday night I felt especially moved after reading the book and I prayed with more openness and surrender than I think I ever have before. I did not ask for Roland to come home soon, like my usual prayers. Instead, I asked God to take my life and use it. I told Him I was available and willing to serve him now. I asked Him to work through my life in a way that would glorify Him. I told God that this was the only thing that really mattered to me anymore and I would do whatever he asked of me.
The next morning I felt led to read the Book of Jonah while I ate breakfast. I sleepily thought to myself, "That is a really weird story," but the main theme was not lost on me- When God clearly asks you to do something, you should do it! When I arrived at church I was fairly amazed that our guest speakers were the local directors of Royal Family Kids Camp. I had never heard of this organization before, but I felt instantly connected to it. I had tears in my eyes the entire time as they talked about how the goal of the camp is to provide a week of safe, carefree fun to children in foster care, and teach them about God's enduring love. I knew this must be an actual answer to my prayer so right after the service I wiped away my tears and told one of the directors I would like to volunteer and he handed me an application.
When I got home I was excited to share the news of this opportunity with Matt, who had just woken up (he works nights). I just briefly told him about the camp and how I was thinking of being a counselor ("big camper") and his first response was, "Can I help too?". {Love that guy!}
To tell the truth, by the following day the "high" of God answering my prayer mostly faded away and my humanness crept in. My concerns were based on: self- doubt (I don't know what to say to these hurting, troubled children. What if something comes up and I don't know how to handle it? What if my campers don't like me and they don't have any fun during camp?),reluctance to leave my comfort zone (The camp schedule looks really busy and I doubt I will get much sleep; I will just be really tired the whole week), and practicalities (We can't afford to pay the camp fees or to board our dogs for a week).
Fortunately, I have a husband with a servant's heart as well as the confidence to follow through with things. It is a lot harder to talk myself out of going to camp when Matt is already committed to going. A few days later, we watched the movie CAMP, which is specifically about Royal Family Kids Camp. It follows the story of pretty much the worst counselor ever during his week at camp. The movie boosted my confidence a little because I figure I will at least be better than that guy. I have a couple other thoughts I keep reminding myself whenever doubt starts creeping in. First, I prayed for an opportunity like this and God provided it to me and I feel like He is leading me to do it. I better follow through with it if I don't want to end up like Jonah! Also, if 18- year- old Katie can leave her life behind and completely move to Uganda to serve God and some of His neediest people, then I should be able to handle working at a summer camp for a week, located 30 minutes from my house.
For a while I have felt that the puzzle pieces of my life are floating around aimlessly in the air, not fitting together how I had planned. I do not know if this camp will just be something to be involved in while we wait for Roland to come home or if it will be the start to a new path in our lives. Either way, I definitely feel it is a step in the right direction. I am very interested to see how God will use this one week in the grand tapestry of our lives. I pray that God will continue to lead, guide and use us according to His will (and that maybe I will be able to get at least a little sleep at camp).
If you are ever in the mood for some inspiring entertainment, I highly recommend reading Kisses from Katie and watching CAMP (available on Netflix). Be warned, though, they may move you to do something!
Time keeps on passing by, but sadly there is not much to report on our adoption. There was a rumor floating around the adoption community that the exit permit suspension would end in February. We let ourselves get a little hopeful over this for a couple weeks, because really, what else are we going to do. If somebody dangles a piece of hopeful information in front of us, we are going to jump on it. Unfortunately, the embassy met with DGM (the issuer of exit permits) and found out this rumor is false and the suspension continues as usual (which is to say until September, or whenever else they feel like issuing them again).
As we keep going through the daily motions, life in Congo continues as usual also. A few weeks ago a rebel group (made up of "youths") launched an attack on several places in Kinshasa, including the airport we will be flying into. The attack was shut down pretty quickly- 46 of the child soldiers were killed and another 20 were arrested. This event is unsettling on so many levels. It is scary that the rebel violence made an appearance in Kinshasa, the largest city in DRC and located in the usually calmer western part of the country. It is also very sad that the children rebels were killed. I understand the attack needed to be stopped, but these children probably never had any opportunity to do anything different with their lives. If given a real choice, I doubt many of those young people would have chosen to join up with a violent rebel group and go on a useless suicide mission in Kinshasa. It is just such a waste of life.
A couple of days ago there was a lightening strike in the city that our son Roland was born. The lightening struck a munitions building on a military barracks, which created an explosion. More than 20 people died and around 50 people were injured. Exploding shells hit homes as far as 4 miles away. Considering the DRC receives the highest frequency of lightening strikes in the world, they seemed oddly unprepared for the occurrence. It is sad that one bolt of lightening created so much havoc on Roland's city of birth.
While Congo is full of violence and sad stories, it is also a land of unappreciated beauty. Apparently it is even possible to ski in Congo. You just have to take a risky in- country flight, go on a motorcycle ride, drive down a cow path and take an arduous mountain climb first. I really wish that when we travel we could see more than just the congested streets of Kinshasa. I would love to experience the beautiful landscapes and diversity of life that my son's birth country offers. If only it was a little bit safer and more accessible, it would make a great eco- adventure travel destination. For now I will have to be satisfied by the short videos made by some adventuresome travelers. Watch and you will be pleasantly surprised that a video about Congo can focus on more than just poverty and violence.
As we begin a new year it seems appropriate to reflect on our adoption voyage so far. It all really started back in 2010, when we decided our family would not be built through biological children, but through children already in the world who needed a family. We were new to the world of adoption so we began researching our different options: domestic infant adoption, foster care adoption, and international adoption. It did not take us long to decide that international adoption was the best fit for us and where we could do the most good. After researching all of the different adoption programs, we settled on Russia because it was a well- developed, stable program (at the time), where we would be able to bring home a 2- year- old boy after just a one year process. We knew we would not be able to adopt until we paid off a couple loans so for two years we waited and read about the Russian adoption process.
By the time we were financially able to adopt in 2012, we came to the conclusion that Russia would not be a possibility for us due to their insanely expensive adoption fees and multiple required trips. This was a little sad and stressful for us, but it turned out to be a good thing because Russia closed their doors to adoption shortly later. We quickly decided to adopt from Africa because, honestly, it is the cheapest place to adopt from. Even though Congo was a pretty new program, we chose it because it would allow us to bring home a young child in a year and it required only one trip there. Also, we thought if we are going to adopt from Africa, we might as well adopt from the poorest nation in the world. In the spring of 2012 we sent out our applications to our home study and international adoption agencies. Our agonizingly slow home study was the only thing we got accomplished that year.
2013 was a year of short bursts of excitement and progress surrounded by long stretches of discouraging delays, with some fundraising and large adoption fees sprinkled in. In February we accepted Roland's referral and in April our adoption was approved in the Congo court {He was officially considered our son}. In May we received some information that allowed us to hope we would be able to bring Roland home that summer. It was just a slim chance, but I really thought things would work out for us. The situation did not turn out how we hoped. After that crushing disappointment, a lot of my optimism in the process faded away. However, time went by and gradually progress was made. In November, Roland was issued his immigrant visa, the very last step before bringing him home. Unfortunately, this happened during the exit permit suspension so about 75% of our joy and excitement about his visa was sucked away. In the year of 2013 we were able to complete the entire international portion of the adoption. Even though we completed every step, jumped through every hoop, paid every fee, proved ourselves to be fit parents time and again, we are still not allowed to bring our son home. It is a pretty big let down after a long year of praying, paperwork, and waiting.
I started this blog exactly one year ago. As I wrote my first post, I remember feeling disappointed in the lack of progress up until then, but excited to start the new year. To be honest, I am not looking forward to 2014. It sickens me to think that the adoption is extending into anther year and I predict it will be a year filled with not- overly- hopeful waiting. There will be no paperwork to fill out until Roland's visa expires in May. The exit permit suspension is expected to last until September and there is no certainty as to when children will actually be allowed to leave after that. There will be absolutely nothing to do except wait and hope that Congo will eventually allow it's adopted children to come home. We're praying 2014 will finally be the year a child will be brought into our lives and Roland will finally have a family.
Instead of brooding at home over celebrating another childless Christmas, Matt and I decided to take a mini trip and make the most of our time alone together. It was nice to get out of town and see and do some new things. Even though we were quite busy the entire time, Roland was always at the front of our minds. During almost every activity, we talked about what it would be like if he was there. That little boy is so much a part of our family and we haven't even met him yet.
On Christmas day we drove up to Spokane with Yukon (we boarded Copper because we did not think he would be warm enough sitting in the car while we were out doing things). We were suspicious of the roads, but we arrived uneventfully. That evening we got dressed up for our fancy Christmas dinner at the Davenport Hotel.
On Thursday we drove over to the Coeur d'Alene Resort for lunch and an eagle watching lake cruise. Every year hundreds of bald eagles migrate to Lake Coeur d'Alene during the week of Christmas because of high concentrations of fish.
The Coeur D'Alene Resort
The view from our table at lunch- not too shabby.
We then bundled up and headed out on our cruise. The weather was nice (high close to 40 degrees), but it felt pretty chilly out on the lake.
The on- board biologist said we saw around 175 bald eagles. I don't know if I personally saw that many, but I saw a lot. In the pictures, look for their distinctive white heads. I was surprised to see how many eagles would share one tree.
The lake was surrounded by a wide variety of houses, from sinking shacks to beautiful mansions.
This is a mansion from my perspective, anyway.
Cruising back to the resort
By the time we got back from the cruise we knew the daylight was dwindling so we hurried across the world's longest floating boardwalk (which can be seen from our lunch view photo).
On our way back to Spokane we stopped at the Post Falls Park to let Yukon stretch his legs.
When we got back to the car the first glow of sunset began.
As we drove back to Spokane, we enjoyed one of the most amazing sunsets I've ever seen.
Our little Christmas trip also served to celebrate our 8th anniversary (we are just so efficient) so on Thursday evening after dinner we stuck to tradition and watched The Hobbit. The Lord of the Rings/ The Hobbit have become our anniversary movies as they always come out at the same time. (Our wedding was Dec.30 and now we are forever stuck celebrating it
right between Christmas and New Years, as if there already is not enough
celebrating going on.) We're hoping we will be in need of a babysitter for our 9th anniversary while watch the grand finale of The Hobbit.
Before driving home on Friday we stopped by Spokane's Riverfront Park and took the Skyride over Spokane Falls. It was a fun little ride that I look forward to taking Roland on when he's older. Sorry the pictures are not great- the windows were icy and smudgy.
And that pretty much sums up our short, busy trip. It was good for us to get out of the house and "do" Christmas different this year. It was fun, but we are definitely hoping next Christmas will look vastly different.
A couple of days ago officials from the Congolese government met with various embassies about the exit permit suspension. They now estimate the suspension will last a year (before they stated it would last "up to a year"). The suspension began last September so it is expected to last until Sept. 2014. My hopes of travelling next spring are pretty much squashed. There is also a real possibility that Roland will not even be home in time for Christmas 2014. They warned us that they do not have any timeframe for when they will begin issuing exit permits again after the suspension ends. That is a bit unsettling. I also find it hard to believe that they will just start issuing exit permits again after stalling adoptions for another 9 months. Once the ball stops moving for that long, it seems unlikely that the Congo government will do the work to start it again. I am nervous that this temporary exit permit suspension will turn into a permanent ban on international adoption in Congo. It looks like 2014 will be a difficult year of waiting for a child who I am not entirely convinced will ever come home.
I realized I haven't posted anything in a month so I figured I should write something. It turns out there is very little to say when your adoption is entirely complete, but you are still not allowed to bring your child home. Our one little bit of news is that our adoption agency is working together with the other adoption agencies to try to decipher and accommodate the wishes of DGM (who is responsible for issuing exit permits). There are things in the works, but I probably should not post about the details as it involves international issues. Please pray with us that these efforts will result in something positive in the new year. Today I made an appointment to get our Hepatitis A booster shots. When we got our first shots back in May, we were sure we would be travelling well before we would ever need the booster shots. I guess optimism doesn't get you very far in the world of adoption.
This will probably be my last post before Christmas so I wish you all a very merry one. If you are among the fortunate people who has their children with them, hug them tight and never forget what a precious gift they are and remember what a true blessing it is to have your family safe and sound together for the holidays. If you are like us and will be celebrating Christmas with your child on the other side of the world, I pray God fills your heart with peace and patience and hope.
We have now completely caught up to the huge, aggravating delay in the Congo adoption process- the ban on exit permits. Today Roland's visa was issued. He is officially allowed to immigrate to the United States. The adoption is done. Today should be one of the most exciting days in the whole adoption. Under the normal procedure, we should be travelling to Congo very soon. We should be buying plane tickets, buying baby supplies, figuring out what to pack, and making doctor appointments for when Roland is home. Instead, we are doing nothing. It is just another day. We are not travelling to Congo in a couple weeks to bring our son home.
While the visa is not very exciting, it does bring some relief. In case things do start to spiral downhill in Congo adoptions, it is always best to be as far along in the process as possible. Since every step of his adoption is complete, we will have more fighting power if we need it.
So now we just continue waiting. We have to find a balance of being patient while still being ready to travel on short notice. I have started reading adoption parenting books again. I haven't opened those books since the home study because they are just too depressing to read when you are still so far from bringing your child home. I figure it's time to start re-learning what to do with this baby so we will be as prepared as possible when we finally get the word we can go bring him home.
I just got off a conference call with USCIS and the US Embassy in Kinshasa. They didn't really have any new information to share and it is not helpful when their favorite phrases are "in theory" and "we cannot comment on that" and "we cannot speculate". Basically they just said that DGM (the agency in Congo responsible for immigration) is still suspending exit permits (which are required to bring all adopted children home). Nobody knows how long this suspension will last- it could be one more month, a year, or even longer. They say the purpose of this suspension is to revamp the adoption process and attempt to reduce fraud. USCIS and the Embassy can not predict if the exit permit suspension is a step toward a complete shutdown of adoptions or just a hiccup along the way. They also did not provide any course of action for adoptive parents, besides to wait indefinitely on the whims of DGM.
According to Congo, we are Roland's legal parents. We are completely financially supporting him- childcare, food, doctors visits, a safe place to live (for $600 a month). Next week Roland has his visa appointment, which will allow him to immigrate to the United States. However, one government agency (DGM) in Congo is holding almost all adopted children hostage until an undetermined point in time. If we were wealthier, we could go visit him as often as we wanted or we could even move to Congo to care for him full- time. However, that is not an option for us (with his on- going monthly childcare fees, we don't have enough money for the final trip to bring him home). It is a very confusing spot to be in as parents. We are responsible for him, yet we are not allowed to bring him home. How do we keep living in a state of being ready for our child while also being mentally and emotionally prepared for a long wait? How do we make life decisions when opportunities present themselves? How long can we put our lives on hold for?
We chose the Congo program 1.5 years ago because it was moving quickly. In the current situation, we would seriously consider switching programs if we had not already passed the court process and the embassy investigation and spent $30,000. We are financially, "legally", morally and emotionally committed to Roland wherever the tides might take us.
Dear Roland,
Today is your 1st birthday. It breaks our hearts to not be able to spend this day with you, celebrating your first year of life and showering you with love (and maybe a few gifts). We are sorry for the losses and instability you have experienced in your short life, but from the few pictures of you we have seen, you seem to have such a strong spirit. You have the ability to grow and thrive and blossom in less- than- ideal situations. You seem to possess and radiate such a pure joy. We hope you do not lose these attributes as you grow up in a land of excessive abundance, where wealth, convenience, and opportunity are taken for granted. Where you come from will always be a part of who you are. We hope you are able to use it to create something positive in your life.
We are excited to learn all about you. What are your favorite games to play? What are your favorite foods? What makes you laugh? What comforts you? We can't wait to hear your voice, read you a book, take you on a walk in the woods, and show the happiness and comfort of petting a gentle dog. More than anything, we want to just hold you and demonstrate to you that we are your family. You are our child, who we have waited so long for. We will love you for the rest of our lives.
Roland, you are so loved by so many people. You have four wonderful grandparents and another grandma in heaven who would have so wanted to meet you. You have three uncles, an aunt, and three cousins. You have great- uncles and aunts and the list goes on. You also have a sweet, loving church who are a whole other family to you. All of these people have been thinking of you, caring for you and praying for you.
Happy Birthday, Roland! We love you and we are doing all we can to bring you home with us. You are in our thoughts and prayers every day.
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